Schizo
by Alamak
Summary: A schizophrenic farm boy ventures the Wasteland.
1. Dirt

**Chapter 1**

This girl is gonna' be the death of me.

I've lived for eighteen years in this wasteland—foragin' for food, killin' things for the hell of it, beltin' out songs I've heard on dead men's radios. But I ain't never seen a person like _her_. She was like a thornbush in motion—tearin' everythin' apart as she rolled across the desert, kickin' up dirt and shit as if it were nothin' at all.

And here I was, starin' at her as she tried explainin' things to me with that sweet voice of hers.

"Do you even _know_ what the Ghouls will do to us if they find out _I_ blew up their compound in Shanty Town?"

I shrugged my shoulders and waited for her response.

"They'll murder us…"

I nodded my head, "So?"

Her eyes lit up like a wildfire, " _So?!_ Are you serious right now?"

I turned to face the brown boy behind us—the one we picked up a few weeks back on our journey. Called him Piggy because he carried a little extra weight on his face. Kinda had a nose like a pig too. Ain't seen one of them in months...

"Whaddya think, boy? Ghouls kill us?"

His eyes danced between me and the girl, then he shook his head so fast his cheeks flopped around just a bit.

"No."

I slapped my hand down on his shoulder and smiled, "That's a good Piggy, always knowin' whose side to take!"

"Whatever," the girl replied, "You can do what you want. But I'm not going anywhere near those things."

"Ghouls are people too. Just like us."

"They're not," she countered, "they've lost their humanity. Now they just exist to drag the world down with them."

"You speakin' from experience?" I asked, tryin' hard to hit her in that cold heart of hers.

She spit on the ground and then shook her head, "No more talking. Let's just go."

And with that, the conversation was over. None of us spoke until five hours later—and even then it was cause Piggy had to take a piss. I told him to hurry up cause the sun was bout to go down over the mountains. Piggy said he never saw mountains before. I think he took an extra minute on his piss break to stare at them before we had to pick up and travel onward again. Hell, I don't blame him. For once, you could actually see the sky. It was like a warm broth I once had a few years ago—kind of yellow and murky, but it had its clear moments as soon as you stirred it with a spoon or a ladle or somethin'.

Starin' at that sky kind of made me hungry after a while, so I screamed for Piggy to hurry up or else I was gonna strap his hands and feet to a stick and cook him over a fire. That got his attention real quick. Ain't never seen a boy like Piggy run so fast. Thought the damn ground was bout to shake!

After he huffed and puffed and gave me the thumbs up—I turned to the girl. She stood with her hands on her hips, soft face turned towards the glow of the yellow-orange sun. Made her look like somethin' out of one of my dreams. I almost told her so, but then I thought against it. Woulda' gone to her head. Woulda' probably brought it up later in a moment when I wanted to show strength. Better just to keep it bottled up in my head like a million other things. Best to just let it stir about like that broth I wanted so bad.

"Let's hunker down in a buildin' or somethin'," I said to her while she stared off into the distance.

"Good idea," she said quietly, "we could all use some rest."

I silently patted myself on the back and took the lead, unslinging my gauss rifle from my shoulder and pointin' it forward. Ain't nothin' to shoot at but it made me feel a whole lot better. It got me thinkin' that I hadn't shot at anythin' in a real long time. Felt like _years_ even though it was only a week ago in that Ghoul Shanty Town. Cause I had to save the girl's sweet ass from death. Even when I thought I'd had enough of stickin' my neck out for her, I go and do somethin' like shoot off a couple shots from my rifle and charge into a den of nasty lookin' Ghouls to try and scare 'em off. Even after all of _that_ , you'd think I'd get a kiss or somethin'. At the very _least_ a hug. But no. Damn girl's gotta give me that cold pouty face and a world's worth of attitude. But I'm not complainin'. In the end we all get to make it out with our limbs and common sense—even if hers is as crooked as Piggy's glasses.

We settled into a broken down farmhouse. Looked like somethin' from when I grew up. Felt like home. I could almost smell the Brahmin steak that Ma used to cook. And the faint draft of Pa's homemade brew. He'd drink five cups before the mornin' was over. Made Ma feel nervous but it calmed his _own_ nerves most of the time. Made it easier for him to play games with me. Kind of turned him into a little kid. I sure do miss 'em. Nights like these, I'd let my mind wander wherever the hell it wanted to go. Didn't have to worry bout doin' somethin' stupid. Knew that my body was stayin' still. Knew that my mind could shake the leash for a couple of hours. No harm in _that_.

Eventually, past all of the reminiscin' bout what life was like on the farm with my folks, I thought about the girl. Stared her down from across the room in the dank farmhouse we settled into and let my eyes hover over her entire body. She was somethin' else. A dream for sure. Couldn't let her know that, though. Had to remain strong. Anythin' less than a strong leader would make me a fool. And ain't no fool capable of runnin' a group up to Boston. Especially a group leaving the Capital Wasteland. I know the odds are stacked against us. I'm aware of the fact that you don't see many kids venturin' the dirt for a reason. This world ain't for kids. Most of 'em die or were dead long ago. Only the adults survive now. It's just how it is. That's why I have to be strong. Gotta fight back. Gotta show other people that the world still has hope for the future. Didn't always believe it. Thought about shootin' myself with the very same gauss rifle that I strap to my back each day. But then I met the girl. Saw a glimmer of hope in her. Been clingin' to that feeling ever since. Not too sure how long it'll last. Just glad to have someone like her in my life.

In a world full of nothin' but dirt, sometimes it's nice to see a thornbush.


	2. Mornin'

**Chapter 2**

* * *

AN: A big 'thank you' to everyone who has read Schizo so far! A lot is in store for our protagonist and his companions. Cheers!

* * *

Mornin' came quick. Didn't dream last night. Just did a whole lotta' thinkin' bout things. Don't even know if I slept. Didn't do much of that anymore either. Don't know why. I guess it's just one of those things that kind of leaves you after a while. Last time I saw my parents, they slept and never woke up again. Couple of vials stood on their dresser. Looked like water but smelled like vomit and chemicals. That was the last time I stayed in that house. Couldn't bear the smell any longer. Maybe that triggered somethin' in my head.

Kept me awake in this farmhouse cause it reminded me of home.

When my mind wanders too far, beyond what I can see, I try to remember to observe things in the present moment. It helps keep me from gettin' lost. Kind of like how a merchant guides his caravan of animals. Just keeps his wits about 'em. Not sure if he does it for the animals or the hopes he'll make a couple of bottle caps later sellin' his merchandise. Either way…he gets the job done. Just like me. Kept my eyes focused on the way the light would cast itself through the broken windows—just pulses of light. Nothin' violent or sinister. Just still, harmless beams of warmth. I traced their path, following their reach from the beginning of the window to a spot on the ground where the girl slept. It lit her up like an atom bomb. I watched the girl, folding my arms across my chest, careful not to wake her from making too much noise. Was almost like she could hear my thoughts—but I knew that she couldn't, cause I wasn't thinkin' anything at all.

The girl has powers. Can pull on the strings of the world and toss them wherever she wants to. I think of her as a master of puppets or somethin'. But she just calls herself a telekinetic. It was gibberish to me but to her it meant a whole lot. I'd think about the way her eyes would focus on the void whenever she repeated that word. It was like she'd get caught up…lost in her own thoughts. She was searching for the truth. Was swimmin' in a sea of things that she couldn't understand. I could relate to that. I'd never show it, though. Decided to let _her_ wear that face. There was no room for two people lost in a world that was beyond saving. The least I could do was remain strong in front of her. Maybe it did her some good. Inspired her just as she inspired me.

Maybe that's why our journey worked out. Hell if I knew any other explanation for our survival so far. Shoulda been dead a long time ago. Yet we're still here. Still walkin' and shootin' and pissin'. I turned to cough into my arm cause I had a piece of dust or somethin' in my lungs but it turned into a storm of gaggin' and trippin' up on my own spit. Suddenly, I heard the girl wake up. She sighed and said somethin' about me bein' loud. I blamed it on Piggy but she knew I was lyin'.

"Piggy has manners, unlike _you_."

I let her words run by me like the wind, then I looked over to Piggy. He was wide awake, cheeks blushin' a nice shade of red from her compliment. I smiled over to him and then turned back to face the girl.

"I see what you're doin'," I said.

"What?" The girl asked, rubbing her eyes.

I chuckled, "You're butterin' up my boy Piggy. Dressin' him up real nice so that you can cook him later and get the most outta your meal! That's real smart of ya."

"Ugh," she grimaced, "You're disgusting."

"I try."

"So what's the plan? Where to next?"

I stared off into the beams of sunlight again, examining the little pieces of dust as they floated across the musty farmhouse air. Then, it hit me.

"We make way for the coast."

"The coast? Aren't there mutated Mirelurk's out there?"

I patted my gauss rifle and cracked a smile, "Hope so."

"That's just stupid," she frowned, "I thought we were trying to avoid another Shanty Town incident."

I wiggled my finger at her and then pressed it into her chest, " _You_ said that you were tryin' to avoid another Shanty Town incident. I never said anythin' like that."

The girl looked flustered. Her eyes stared at a whole lotta nothin', then she looked over to Piggy.

"What do you think, Piggy? Do we head for the coast or keep going inland and stick to the mountains?"

Piggy did what I thought he'd do…nothin'. He stared at us with his big brown eyes and then he shrugged, "I don't know."

I waved my hand through the air and tried dismissin' her concern, "The coast gives us options. We got water on one side and land on the other. Gives us visibility to see shit and also provides a path up to Boston. We can't go wrong travelin' up the coast. And besides…if we run into trouble, we can just swim into the water."

The girl cast me a nervous look, "I can't swim."

"Me either," Piggy called out.

I almost couldn't believe it. Then again, I was the exception. People forgot about swimmin' a long time ago. There wasn't any point after the bombs dropped. Too much radiation. And, well, what was the goddamn point? Swimmin' took up valuable time huntin' and survivin'. Only fools took a swim in the water…or the ones lookin' for a chemical death. I just figured that if push came to shove and we needed an escape from bullets flyin' through the air, then we could always take a dive into the water. It used to be mankind's salvation. Maybe there was still a little savin' left in its bones. Not like water has bones…but I like to think it has a mind of its own at least.

We gathered our things and left the farmhouse, wastin' no time in hittin' up a highway called '95. It was headed north and so were we. I kept my gauss rifle pointed forward and zipped my jacket up tight, checkin' back to see if Piggy and the girl were okay. They each gave me the thumbs up—our little sign for 'alright'—and then we took off for the unknown, our eyes trained on the distance. There was a city out there. A couple plumes of smoke rising high into the mornin' sky. Made it look like a dirty place. Like a haven for coal and steel.

Like a pit.


	3. Highway

**Chapter 3**

* * *

"The smoke is getting bigger."

"No shit…it's smoke."

"Why are you always such an asshole?"

"Oh, _me_? Pardon my manners ma'am, I'm only tryin' to save our asses from Death so we can make it north to the Promised Land."

"Whatever."

I held my gauss rifle up to my face and looked down the iron sights toward an abandoned grocery store building just off the highway. The three of us were hunkered down behind an obsolete vehicle. Looked like a Pre-War piece of shit car. Not like I knew what a 'good' car would look like. But I at least knew that this thing we were brushin' up against was in no condition to move, let alone be driven. Piggy let out a little squeal to get my attention. I turned to ask him what his damn problem was, then I saw how he was pointin' at somethin'.

"Look! In the distance!"

The girl and I tracked his sights to the depths of the city, where we found what he had been looking at. A Vertibird. It flew quickly—dodgin' what seemed to be pulse fire. Somethin' buried in the mass of skyscrapers had been firin' up at the vertibird, and it appeared to be strugglin' to stay afloat. My eyes widened a bit, just enough for me to stay hooked onto all the action. The bird hovered still for a few seconds and then returned fire below. Looked like a Gatling gun. Standard armor shreddin' bullets. 'Pulse-man' (or 'woman') didn't stand a chance below. Watched the bird hover in place for a moment longer, then it returned to a normal flight pattern—disappearing softly behind a stack of skyscraper buildings. Never saw it return after that. Must have completed its mission or somethin'.

"So what's the plan _now_?"

The girl was gettin' on my damn nerves. She just didn't understand. Life was not a game. It comes down to survival at all costs. Find food. Find shelter. Sleep. Shit. Eat. Piss. Stay warm. That's it. Nothin' needed to be glamorous or tactical unless you were huntin' or tryin' to kill someone. But this girl would have you believe otherwise. She'd stare you right in the face until your balls shriveled up under her icy gaze and then she'd scream about militaristic prowess and apex predator nonsense. Whenever she got all 'smart-smart' on me I'd give her the typical farm boy response…which amounted to a whole lotta gruntin' and scratchin' my head. Then, to top it all off, I'd give her an "I don't get it," and I'd watch her pretty face to see what kind of reaction she was gonna have. Most times it was anger. Sometimes it was empathy or sadness. She'll probably never know how smart I really am. How I spent a winter in an underground library with a group of cultists who got all freaky with eachother. They even got me to do the 'freaky-freaky' a coupla times, but that life wasn't for me. Felt all weird inside about it. Felt like I betrayed what Ma and Pa taught me when I was young.

Would never tell the girl about that though. Didn't want her to think any less of me then she already did. There were certainly moments when I wanted to tell her how I really felt. How I crumbled like a shaky cliffside under the weight of her stare. Those ice-blue eyes. Like a patch of fresh snow after it's fallen from the wintery sky. Part of me wants to make snow angels in all that snow. The other part of me wants to crush it with the heel of my steel toe boots. Instead, I tell the girl that our plan is to find food and stick to '95. She asked me why and I told her why…cause we were in the Pit. Used to be called Pittsburgh in the Pre-War days. Now it's called the Pit because a bunch of slavers and mercenaries and terrible people live there. They have their own society. Their own rules. Whole lotta death. They dug a hole somewhere in the heart of the city. Watched people kill eachother for sport. It wasn't somethin' I planned on witnessing with my own eyes.

"You're right," the girl agreed, "Better if we just stick to the road."

I looked over to Piggy and he gave me a quick nod. That settled it. We took off on our walk again, quiet and determined, headed for the outskirts of the downtown district. The highway would bring us closer to the coast, wrapping just around the city like a piece of bread huggin' a strip of Brahmin. Damn. I was awfully hungry. Felt my stomach rumble a few times. Swear I coulda heard Piggy's too. I made a mental note to stop for food before we hit sundown. I don't think I could have taken another night of no food in my stomach. Maybe I needed it to sleep. Part of me was excited to find out if that was the Holy Grail. The answer to all of my problems.

About an hour into our expedition along the highway and the girl started asking me questions. Questions about my past. Questions about what I liked to do in my spare time. Questions about where I saw myself in the future after we made it to Boston safe and sound. My response to her was "I don't know." It's how I answered everything she asked. Truth is…I knew a whole lot. Had plenty of time to think about things. Probably thought a whole lot more about the past, present, and future than most people my age. I just wasn't ready to share that part of myself yet. Couldn't force my soul up my throat and out my mouth. Was too afraid I'd lose it to the girl. Scared she was gonna see me for who I really was. Fearful that I was gonna be crushed under that ice stare one last time.

Then she'd be gone.

I'm not one for givin' in to the nightmare thoughts that lie deep in my mind. But sometimes I have to. If I don't, then I'm no better than a blind man walkin' the dirt. And a blind man walkin' the dirt was a dead man holdin' flowers at his funeral. Didn't wanna' end up like _that_ either. I'm not one for flashy suits and holdin' a handful of roses. Like to live the simple life. Like walkin' '95 and hearin' the girl's sweet words fill the crisp air.

"…It's good to have goals," she said, snappin' me back to reality, "I write my goals in my notebook now. It helps me remember things."

"You mean a diary?" I asked, half-jokingly.

She laughed. Sounded good. Made my heart leap up and down in my chest a bit. I smiled back.

"I have an extra one if you want it…" she fumbled with her knapsack and pulled out a leather-bound notepad. The pages were a bit yellowed, but it seemed pretty intact. I took it from her and gave her my thanks.

"I'll be sure to start writin' things down in it."

"You _better_ ," she flashed a grin and then tucked a loose strand of hair back behind her ear.

Girl really _was_ a master of puppets. I don't know what scared me more—the fact that she knew she had a hold on my heart or that part of me, in some way, wanted to crush her for gettin' so close. We hurried along the highway and huddled up inside a turned over school bus for the night. I let Piggy wear my jacket for warmth and sat real close next to the girl. Let her rest her head on my shoulders. Took a while for me to stop smellin' her hair as she slept. I felt a bit crooked doin' it, but I couldn't help it. She smelled like heaven. A mix of blueberries and the Southern wind. Eventually, I closed my eyes and drifted off into the dark.

Before losin' myself to the void, I clung to a single thought. Of somethin' we'd been lookin' for since the beginning. Of a place that I hoped now more than ever existed. It drowned out the nightmares. All the devil-thoughts that plagued me every day. It felt surreal. Felt like Paradise.

I dreamt of Boston.


	4. Dreams

Chapter 4

* * *

Did somethin' different this mornin'. Woke up and wrote in my journal. Stared at the sky and watched the sun fight with the hazy clouds. Thought about the girl the whole time. Followed her words as they swirled around in my head. Remembered the way she smelled as I held her close in my arms. Pressed down hard with my pen when the ink started runnin' out. Kept goin' over the letters like a broken song that repeated itself. Traced the curves and straight lines with my eyes. Let my mind catch up with it all. Said the words out loud after I understood its meaning.

"Make it to Boston."

I dreamt of the place. Didn't know what it looked like, but after last night and all of the shit we'd been through, I wanted to see it now more than ever. I imagined the girl's face—pictured us all standing at the berth of the city limits. Just the three of us standing there, mouths open so wide you could land a vertibird in 'em. Eyes captivated by the whole scene. Beams of light shinin' down like a kaleidoscope. I wondered if the girl was gonna' cry. Maybe Piggy would say more than two words for once. Break out into some song and dance and get all foreign. I'd kinda like that to be honest. Would remind us that not everythin's gotta be sad and gloomdusted.

Took a deep breath and made an effort to feel the wind flow through my dirty hair and across my skin. Felt good. Wasn't as good as I thought it'd be though. Still felt tired even though I slept like a baby calf. I guess that was the price you paid for dreamin' bout the good stuff. Had to believe that. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to chalk it up to gettin' older. And I'd be damned if I was turnin' into an elder before I hit my nineteenth birthday.

"What are you doing out there?"

I swiveled around and came face to face with the girl. She looked like shit—had big bags under her eyes. Still looked beautiful though. Just beautiful _shit_. Don't think such a thing even exists but I'd make it up for her cause she could pull it off. Her hair whipped around wildly in the air. Had her arms folded tightly across her chest. Guardin' that cold heart of hers from the rest of the world.

I held up my journal and shot her a grin, "Just writin' some things down. Figured I'd take your advice and start with the basics…"

Her brow furrowed, then her lips stretched into a huge smile. She was beamin' with somethin' that made me feel good inside. All warm and toasty.

"Like what?"

I snapped the journal shut and waved my finger through the air. "Now, now. Wouldn't wanna' spill my life story just yet."

"And why's that?" she asked.

"Cause I still got more livin' left. Plenty more adventure to write about. Full story's not done yet."

She kicked at a few loose pebbles on the ground, nodding her head as she thought about somethin' to herself.

"Promise you'll show me what you've written once we've made it to Boston?"

I nodded back slowly, then I stuffed the journal into my knapsack, "Yeah, I promise. Dunno why you'd wanna see the ramblings of a farm boy, though…"

She turned from me and started walkin' down '95, then she said somethin' that made my heart hurt in a good way.

"You don't give yourself enough credit…"

It felt special to hear her words of encouragement. Of words lined with a bit more beneath the surface. Maybe I was wrong. Coulda been imaginin' the whole thing in my head. Coulda been talkin' to nothin' but the dirt this whole time. But a little thing in my gut told me otherwise. Spoke to me in rhythms that transcended the world. Got me thinkin' and feelin' and experiencin' things that no human _can_ when the weight of the world presses down on you. I'd often wonder how Ma and Pa got together. Contemplated what it would mean to have a family. Raise a kid with a woman. Maybe have a wife like the girl. She'd make a good Ma, I reckon. Had the grips to pull through somethin' like givin' birth. Had the wit and the smarts to raise a potential smartass child. Knew I was a smartass at age three. Didn't show it until I was five though…felt like milkin' shit for all it was worth till I was old enough to take the belt from Pa. Felt like a rite of passage in a way.

I missed 'em so much.

Knew they'd be proud of me. Felt like they'd approve of me bein' with the girl. Coulda been wrong, but my gut told me I was righter than acid rain. Eventually, I picked up my pace and followed the girl down '95. Left Piggy in the bus. Said he could hold down the fort while I played hide and go seek. I called him a dumbass porkshitter and then I tried catchin' up to the girl. Was fifteen feet behind her when I saw it in the distance about half a mile down the highway. A caravan of raiders. All men. All savage. They were screamin' at the top of their lungs—beltin' out their savage-like songs. Spittin' on the ground. Makin' animal noises. I saw the silhouette of the girl change in an instant. She went from as tall as the highest skyscraper to as little as a radroach. Her eyes were dead set on what I saw up ahead. She ducked down low behind another Pre-War car and waved me over.

"Get down!"

I shuffled over to her and bent down behind the vehicle. Brushed up against her and took my gauss rifle out. Stared her straight in the eyes and saw fear in her pearly blues for the first time. Sent a shiver down my spine. Made me feel what she was feeling. Felt connected to her on a deeper level. Wanted it to end but wanted it to be endless at the same time. This one moment. Anticipatin' death…yet we were just startin' to live.

Lookin' into her eyes made me realize how badly I wanted to live…with her…for as long as our bodies would keep breathin'. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed three times. Her eyes widened and then she looked at me with a confused stare.

"What does that mean?"

I withdrew my hand and placed it on the underside of my rifle. Then I raised it up with the barrel facin' the ground and smiled, gesturin' out to the raiders down the highway.

"Just wanted to let you know that no matter what, you've got nothin' to worry about."

"And why's that?" she asked.

I motioned with my gauss rifle and then stared right into her eyes.

"Cause I'm gonna kill them."


	5. Realize

Chapter 5

* * *

I could hear the voices.

They were screamin' at me now. Screamin' to shoot. To fire. To obliterate the men who stood before me in defiance on the highway. Couldn't stop my finger from pullin' back on the trigger. Tried to. Hoped I could hold myself back from givin' in to the slaughter. But it was unstoppable. Every shadow became a shade. Became a part of me. My own reflection. I embraced the noise. Sucked it deep within my lungs and let it travel throughout every limb.

I let myself become the evil…and in that moment the evil had won.

One cry became two. Three became four. One pulse, two pulse, three pulse, score. Five pulse, six pulse, seven pulse, _more_.

I pulled back on the trigger for what felt like five hundred times. Couldn't have been, though. Had to have only been a handful past ten squeezes. My rifle was only good for another three hundred shots anyways, I reckoned. Then the coil was gonna burst into flames. Had to find a new one. Made a note in the passin' of time to go and do that. Had to get through this first, though. Needed to make it out alive.

"Look out!"

The girl's voice was like a tidal wave blowing past my right side. In its wake came a force unlike anythin' I had ever witnessed in my life. Came like a 'swoosh'. An immense gust of wind accompanied by scrap metal and sharp chunks of rock. They all went flyin' through the air—headed straight for a Raider decked out in armor. He had his arms raised above his head, chargin' at me while his dirty lips made smackin' noises. I wanted to crush him with my fist for doin' such a thing in the presence of the girl, but she took care of that for me. Watched as the Raider's body was hit by the concussive wave. Couldn't believe my eyes as they captured the way his arms went all squirly-like. Wanted to plug my ears as the sound of his screams stifled the air. Felt somethin' weird tinge my soul. Kind of felt like regret. Didn't expect things to hit me like that. Thought I'd become numb to war these days. Always imagined I'd become a machine a long time ago.

I guess knowin' somethin' else was out there, waitin', changed things.

 _Make it to Boston._

"We did it!" the girl stood with one arm stretched forward, huffin' and puffin' on the air.

"We did…" I said, thinkin' bout what just happened.

The girl picked up on how distant I was. She shuffled over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder—the same hand that just made the earth fly up and kill the Raider-man like it was nothin' at all. I winced and then looked into her eyes which softened up like a cuddly dog.

"Hey…you okay?" her hands cupped the sides of my face. I could feel their warmth. Felt the goosebumps rushin' all over. Then the heat. Could feel my cheeks turnin' red.

"I-I'm sorry," I stammered, "I dunno what's wrong with me…"

"Don't be sorry," she said softly, "tell me what's wrong."

Her words clung to the air like a listenin' bird. Patient, quiet, hingin' on every detail. I coulda sworn a million years passed by in that moment—but as soon as I broke the silence I came to realize that we just killed a buncha men in seconds.

"No more…" I croaked.

The girl stood silently, pretty eyes scanning my face, searching for the answers that took so much effort to give.

"No more _what_?" she asked, "Tell me…"

I shook my head. Could feel myself shakin' as she held me. Felt the world crashin' down all around.

"No more killin'."

Her eyes flashed from soft to confused. "Just a minute ago you said not to worry because-"

"I know what I said," I interrupted her, holdin' up my hand, "I'm tired of killin' people."

"Why?"

 _Why_.

That word meant so many things to me. It was like a big pit opened up in my chest and this one _stupid_ word floated around in the darkness, searching for somethin' to complete it. But nothin' was there to answer. Nothin' wanted to. Nothin' _could_. Not even the voices that gathered 'round in my head each day. They were all silent. Out of reach from my grasp now. I almost asked myself how I could go on any longer…how I could live in this fucked up world where life was such a goddamn burden that it almost wasn't worth living.

Then I stared into the girls eyes and felt the chill again. Only here and now, the answers started to fall into place like snowflakes from the sky.

I cleared my throat and placed my own hands around her face. Her stare softened again.

"Because someday it's all gonna' end. Someday we're gonna' make it to Boston. And then…hopefully…we'll be safe…together."

A moment of silence washed over us as we stood on that forsaken highway stretch. The sky remained gray, the smoke continued to billow in the heart of the city, the faint smell of plasma and charred remains lingered in the air. Yet, somethin' was changin'. Somethin' between me and her. I couldn't place it. There were no words I had ever learned that could describe what I felt and saw and heard. Only one thing could be explained.

Past all of the death and adventure and _bloodshed_ —a connection formed between us. It was somethin' beyond my reach. A feeling that I hadn't ever felt before. It crushed me and lifted me up and made me feel like I was gonna' die right then and there in the middle of '95 under a sky that fought with the clouds in a mess of gray.

I think it was love.


End file.
